It's been too long since I posted...this one has been brewing for a while in my head. I may update and revise it as more of these thoughts gel in my head, but for now, here are some thoughts regarding Christianity and the typical perspectives on gender roles of men and women.
I grew up in the 1970's and 80's in a very traditional conservative Christian home. My wife and I were both raised with somewhat similar teaching and perspective on the appropriate roles of men and women in society - men are traditionally supposed to be the primary breadwinners and be out of the home, earning money and establishing a career, while women are traditionally the caregivers - staying home, raising children, managing the home, etc. Men could do whatever they wanted to, but women were limited to a very few occupations that were considered "ok" or "appropriate", especially in the Christian church.
Women could be nurses (that's ok, because nurses care for people, and nursing can be a flexible schedule that can work well around raising kids), school teachers (again, this is ok - you have summers off, and the schedule can work well with a family), church secretaries, and a few other things, but other more lucrative (and "significant"?) careers for women were (and still are) often frowned upon - which is why you didn't see many Christian women doctors, lawyers, business professionals, etc. Plus, Christian women were discouraged from working outside the home until their kids were mostly out of the house. Perhaps the 50's era TV shows like Leave it to Beaver and other similar "family friendly" shows capture this stereotype the best - the wife is supposed to spend her days being domestic - cleaning the house, folding laundry, making cookies and milk for the kids to snack on after school, putting a nice dinner on the table for the family right when dad gets home from work, and doing all of this with a smile.
But where did this idea of the "appropriate" roles of men and women come from? Is this a biblical perspective? Or is it the result of cultural pressures coming from an improper understanding of gender roles? As a man, my perspective on this has changed significantly, and I see it as something that the church as a whole is starting to deal with in a more appropriate way; however, there is still a lot of stereotyping, intentional or not, that happens, often with the best of intentions. It has been very interesting to see and hear the comments and perspectives that have come out in conversations I've had regarding what I do and what my wife is doing right now (full time med student).
You see, we have an almost complete reversal of the "traditional" roles of men and women. She is at school and "working" on becoming a doctor - studying much of the time, out of the house a great deal, and certainly not fitting into the stereotypical "Christian woman" mold. I, on the other hand, am spending more time at home with the kids, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and keeping the house running so that my wife can pursue her calling. This doesn't mean that I do not work - I do - but I am certainly not following the traditional male stereotype either.
So how do I view my role as husband / father? I remember reading a book by Charlie Peacock - entitled New Way to be Human. Charlie was talking about his view of the role of the husband being to help make his wife into who she is supposed to be. I spent the first several years of our marriage watching Bekah trying to figure out who she was supposed to be, and seeing her being frustrated by the "traditional" role of wife and mom that she felt forced on her by the traditional conservative Christian culture. I saw in her an incredible mind, a strong desire to pursue medicine, and a frustration that it was something she felt like she wasn't allowed to do because she was a wife and mom, and a good Christian wife and mom just didn't do those things.
When I read Charlie's book, it was kindof a turning point for me, in that I realized that part of my role as husband was to help Bekah realize who she was called to be. And it had become pretty clear to me that my wife, for many years, had wanted to be a doctor, but felt like she either wasn't allowed to be or that there was just no way it could happen, since we had (at the time) three kids. I encouraged her to start thinking outside the box, pursue her prerequisite classes, and see what God might make possible. One thing led to another (a story for another blog post) and we are where we are today. :)
I often get strange looks and interesting comments when I'm asked what I do. Since our culture seems to equate occupation / career with identity, at least for many men, I think I surprise a lot of people when I tell them that I am a professional musician supporting my wife as she attends medical school. When the conversation goes on and they learn that I get the kids ready for school, shop for and prepare all of our family's meals, clean the house, do the laundry, etc., I'm often asked if that is weird. Translation: "I think that is weird, am I right?" Is it weird? I don't think so.
I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what/where the scriptural precedent for the woman being home with the kids and the man being the breadwinner comes from. Yes, male and female roles are different in scripture, as evidenced from Adam and Eve's interactions in Genesis, but there is nowhere in the Bible where anything is said that implies that a woman's place is in the home with the kids, while a man's role is to be out making a career and earning a living. As a matter of fact, a candid reading of Proverbs 31 (often used as a blueprint for "the Christian woman" in mainstream Christian culture) would reveal someone who supports her family, earns money, has great business acumen, and is respected and revered by her husband and children. I don't see anything in that list that implies that a woman shouldn't be a doctor (or any other high profile occupation). When I think about Bekah and the choices we have made as a couple and family, I see her fulfilling much more of the Proverbs 31 "list" today, as a full-time medical student, than she was four years ago as a full-time mom.
I think that cultural influence has played a huge role in how male and female roles have evolved. Jewish culture had very prescribed roles for men and women; Arab views on the roles of women are even more restricted and severe. Considering the time that much of scripture was written, I think it is surprising (and perhaps instructive) that the Bible is strangely silent regarding prescribed roles for women in the church.
I have come to the conclusion that this is what my pastor (Louie Konopka) would call a minor - something that many people feel strongly about, but is not scriptural or doctrinal. It is a powerful cultural standard that implies that women are supposed to be at home, but it is by no means a scriptural mandate, nor is it a scriptural mandate that I need to be out "in the work force" building a career. I have been given the opportunity to support my wife and family with a very flexible work arrangement that allows me to earn good money, mostly from home, while having the ability to be there for my kids and to support my wife's journey toward becoming who she is supposed to be.
I will close this post with a little story. I was in the grocery store with three of our four kids a few weeks ago. Anyone who has been through Meijers with children in tow knows that it can become quite a production, especially if the kids are trying to "help". I had both boys trying very hard to help as I was going through the checkout lane, with my box of coupons and my detailed grocery list in my phone. I actually had one woman ask me, "where is their mom?" Not because the kids were being naughty or obnoxious - just because she thought it was abnormal for a guy to take his kids shopping for a cart and a half full of groceries. She said as much. I told her that Bekah was at MSU studying to be a doctor. She responded to this very negatively - while I don't remember the exact wording of what she said, it was something to the effect of "she has no business doing that and leaving you with all these kids!" I just smiled and thanked her for her input, all the while doing my best to avoid saying something really nasty in response. :)
I believe that I'm doing what I should be doing - I am providing leadership for my family through the act of supporting my wife and helping her become who she is supposed to be. Is it a perfect arrangement? No. We are still trying to figure out how God wants us to do everything, but I am confident that the choices we've made are appropriate and we are where we are supposed to be. For those who have differing opinions than those I've expressed here, I would welcome honest dialogue - but please avoid basing arguments on issues of cultural propriety - God is a God of today, and He and His word and His will transcend anything culture might think about anything.
And if you are interested in a good read, check out Charlie Peacock's "New Way to be Human." It will help you examine a lot of life issues from a fresh perspective.
Excellent, wise words.
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